he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
worst night to have a conscience
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed