jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
