I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize