I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.