then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
