If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
