I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
