I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
