She's JV to your varsity
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Come on in and take your pants off
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