The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
