fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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