I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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