I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
