I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
