Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
