i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
