just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
