Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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