sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
