tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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