Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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