Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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