Apparently you make a good broom.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
