I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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