Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
