you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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