You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize