Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
