He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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