just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
