Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
