if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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