when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you are hot. that is all.
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
