You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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