so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
