Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
