dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
