I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
