Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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