you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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