I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
