I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
