Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
