Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
