Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
