ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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