i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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