it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Never let your siblings swipe right.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
