May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
