I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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