There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
