Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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