Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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