Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
