i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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